CRACKED BUT NOT BROKEN... A CHAIN OF EVENTS (My Attempts To Date Again)

 QUESTIONS EXISTING... WHY?  WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY?  WHY IS MY LOVE LIFE NON-Existing?

 I'VE STARTED BACK DRAWING & PAINTING AS EXTRA THERAPY. IT HELPS ME NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL. WHEN I'M CREATING I'M NOT OVER THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING FOR ONCE.

WHY HAVE THINGS NEVER WORKED OUT? WHY AM I SO DISAPPOINTED IN MEN? I HAVE MY REASONS...

A lot has been happening for me since I’ve last updated my blog. GOOD & BAD shit.
I’ve been having troubles updating my blog, so this one will not be about fashion. This blog is about my recent experiences with EVERYTHING GOING ON IN MY LIFE CURRENTLY.

Everything has been so FUCKING HEAVY... WHERE DO I BEGIN?                                                 

                         Two of my baby brothers were arrested, they were misled and were just protecting our family. that's all I can say about what happened. My family & I were able to bail out my brother DARIUS... THANK GOD! NOW WE HAVE TO FIGHT TO GET DESHUN HOME! This tragic situation has made me even sicker... My anxiety has gotten worse. MY ANGIODEMA is worsening, and I'm still trying to keep moving but that's really HARD WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN MOVE LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WALK SOME DAYS... I'm trying to be as strong as I can be, MY WHOLE FAMILY IS. I THANK GOD FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS MADE DONATIONS TO MY BROTHER'S; AND HAS PRAYED FOR MYSELF & FAMILY.                                                   

  I TELL MYSELF "YOU GOT THIS!"ALL THE TIME, BUT THERE'S STILL TEARS RUNNING FROM MY EYES.                 

                     I feel that I needed distractions from everything... So not only did I began putting my clothing up for sale, but I'm launching my own CLOTHING LINE #KAYXOCLOTHING SOON. It's been a lot of more work, but I really enjoy it. School had began to be too much for me right now, I couldn't even focus in class! THERE WERE DAYS I'D JUST BURST OUT CRYING DURING CLASS... I knew I had to take a break right now, but I plan to go back in finish what I've started in fall. I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS DEPRESSED IN YEARS! I started to feel like; just working more wasn't enough. I DECIDED I WAS READY TO DATE AGAIN AFTER 2 YEARS of Celibacy, and MY ''I HATE MEN FAZE'' I thought I'm ready to move forward. I wanted to have some fun! live a little more... I met two guys at the same time. The first dude wasn't too interesting. He seen I was down about something, he came at me with the''VENT! TALK TO ME ABOUT IT, LET ME HELP'' GAME So, I decided to meet up with him one night to vent. HE REALLY DIDN'T HELP AT ALL... BUT HE WAS JUST OFFERING TO LISTEN TO MY SHITTY ISSUES. After I finished talking to him; He began to try making me laugh with some WACK ASS JOKES... I STILL APPRECIATED HIS EFFORTS. He was very ''GOOD LOOKING'' He had many occupations including; Photography, Real Estate, art! like myself we're both artist. I liked that about him. We sat in my living room all night just talking... Suddenly he asked me to sit closer to HIM... I DID. He began to constantly ask me to STAND UP, HE ASKED ME IF HE CAN SEE MY OUTFIT, I was wearing a Thong BODY SUIT WITH; BELL BOTTOM FLARED PANTS. I STOOD UP FOR HIM, GAVE HIM A SPIN; but it became awkward... HE KEPT ASKING ME TO SHOW HIM MY BODY SUIT WITHOUT MY PANTS ON... I SAT BACK DOWN, HE BEGAN TO ACT VERY ANNOYED  WITH ME BECAUSE I KEPT SITTING A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM HIM, THE MF WOULD'T GIVE ME ELBOW ROOM! HE KEPT DEMANDING ME TO COME CLOSER. I SAT AS CLOSE AS I COULD TO HIM JUST SO HE CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP LOL! THEN HE GOT EVEN MORE AWKWARD.... OUT OF NOWHERE HE GRABBED MY TITTY! It got worse but I won't even go on about him. I told him to leave after our encounter, Have not seen or spoken since.
TO THE OTHER IDIOT... (THE ONE I POSTED PICTURES WITH ON INSTAGRAM)  I had been talking to HIM for a minuet before finally meeting him in person. HE had seemed really cool, charming ,and just sweet. He was very respectful. I HONESTLY LOVED THAT ABOUT HIM. HE WAS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST AT FIRST... HE WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HIMSELF; HE TOLD ME HE HAD JUST LOSS HIS AUNT. I WAS THERE FOR HIM COMPLETELY! I TRIED MY BEST TO HELP HIM GET THROUGH IT. I ALWAYS DO THAT SHIT... I BEGAN TO CARE WAY TOO MUCH, I WOULD MAKE MYSELF SICK WORRYING ABOUT HIM. I STARTED TO THINK THIS WAS ALREADY BECOMING TOO DEEP FOR ME BECAUSE, OF MY ILLNESS; I REALLY SHOULDN'T PUT MYSELF IN ANYMORE STRESSFUL SITUATIONS; IT WON'T DO ME ANY GOOD, AND I HAD TOLD HIM THAT! REGARDLESS I JUST WANTED TO BE THERE FOR HIM AND I WAS,  ALTHOUGH WE BOTH WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING WE WAS THERE FOR EACH OTHER. I FELT IT WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL, BUT I STARTED TO PUT IN MORE EFFORTS THEN HIM. HE STOPPED LOOKING OUT FOR ME, AND CHECKING ON ME...

HE JUST STARTED TO ACT DIFFERENT AND I DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT UP TO HIM YET! I TRIED TO CUT HIM SOME SLACK, BE UNDERSTANDING ONLY BECAUSE HE SAID HE HAD A LOSS IN HIS FAMILY. I STARTED TO SEE ''RED FLAGS'' I JUST TRIED TO THINK POSITIVE BUT I NEVER LET ANYTHING GET PASS ME. I ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT GUT FEELING, MY INTUITION. RANDOM PEOPLE STARTED TELLING ME OVER AND, OVER TO BE CAREFUL, IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE HATING AT FIRST, BUT AS CRAZY AS IT IS... PEOPLE WERE FUCKING WARNING ME! 

 

         LONG STORY SHORT... I WON'T GO INTO DETAILS, EVERY MALE WHO MESSAGED ME; THEY WERE ALL RIGHT. HE WAS'T THE ONE FOR ME. IT ENDED BAD! I'M STILL A LITTLE HURT BUT, I'AM GLAD I GOT OUT OF THAT SITUATION BEFORE I WAS IN TOO DEEP WITH HIM. I COMPLETELY WASTED MY FUCKING TIME! HE'S JUST LIKE EVERY LAST IDIOT THAT'S ''BITE THE DUST...''
I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION THIS MF PUT ME THROUGH... HE DID ME BOGUS AS FUCK! AND I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE DID THAT TO ME.
I GUESS I NEVER WILL. I TRIED AGAIN. AND I'M DONE AGAIN.
 I'M SICK AND TIRED.
I DIDN'T DESERVE ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPEN TO ME.
NOW I HAVE TO LE THIS SHIT GO.
I DON'T PLAN TO DATE AGAIN ANYTIME SOON.
 I CAN'T.
           

                      THE NIGHT HE SHOWED ME HIS TRUE COLORS.